Teenagers Are Fornicating Less

And a little child shall lead them.

Isaiah 11:6

I recently read an article stating that fewer teenagers today are engaging in sex. If this report is true, then Glory be to God. It appears that the young people are able to do what many thought was impossible, they are forgoing sex. This will come as a shock to many adults who promote the idea that teenage sex is inevitable and so we may as well not make any efforts to curb it. However, with this data many states have cut and curtailed their abstinence programs. The problem have with the studies that say abstinence doesn’t work is because they don’t take into account the 90% of other information that teenagers receive through movies, television, music, and video games. Abstinence education is just a small area in the child’s overall day. The important aspect of abstinence education is that it helps to shape attitudes not necessarily about sex, but also about marriage.

“You have to look at why sex was created,” Eric Love, the director of the East Texas Abstinence Program, which runs Virginity Rules, said one day, the sounds of Christian contemporary music humming faintly in his Longview office. “Sex was designed to bond two people together.”

To make the point, Mr. Love grabbed a tape dispenser and snapped off two fresh pieces. He slapped them to his filing cabinet and the floor; they trapped dirt, lint, a small metal bolt. “Now when it comes time for them to get married, the marriage pulls apart so easily,” he said, trying to unite the grimy strips. “Why? Because they gave the stickiness away.”[1]

While I would love to believe that all our children will grow up and save themselves for marriage, this is really not realistic. What is realistic however is that we can stress the importance of marriage to many children who have lost interest in it as an option, due to their own single parent experience. Why is stressing the importance of marriage important? Because study after study has shown that children do better regardless of economic conditions in two parent families. This should be something we want to promote as a society, for the well-being of the society. I find it interesting that we expect people who have been unable to maintain a committed relationship to develop that in our children, it’s not going to happen. Just as parents that did not complete their educations require help educating their children, so we should also help them prepare for marriage.

The institution of marriage is under an onslaught, but unlike my religious conservative brethren I don’t believe it is from gays. The current threat to marriage is and always has been heterosexuals, whether they are adulterers, pornographers, or other sexual deviants. The breakdown in the family and marriage has nothing to do with whether gays get married or not. While I find it personally offensive, my experience shows that the breakdowns in marriage are due to the partners in the marriage. I think the gay question is a smoke screen to cover the real issues which is that we are not preparing our children properly for marriage or adulthood.

For the first time, however, Virginity Rules and 700 kindred abstinence education programs are fighting serious threats to their future. Eleven state health departments rejected abstinence education this year, while legislatures in Colorado, Iowa and Washington passed laws that could kill, or at least wound, its presence in public schools.[2]

I find it hard to believe that with all the pressure our children are under to fornicate, that many find offering a counter message worthless. It’s as if we give freedom to the sex trade, but it is imposing on our freedom to offer another view. This is in part why the rest of the world finds our values so hypocritical, we allow promotion of and the selling of sex in every area of our lives, but God forbid if we show that there are other alternatives. This is crossing the boundaries of State vs. Church, we must not continue to buy into this for the sake of commerce. We are selling out our children for the sake of making money. What value are you willing to place on the lives of your children?

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[1] http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/18/education/18abstain.html

[2] Ibid

Help For the Single Mother (Part 2)

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child,
I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
1 Corinthians 13:11

The next idea I would like to share is about how we see our children. For many women, the child is an extension of themselves or the man who fathered of the child. In too many cases women are thinking, if I can’t have the man I will have the child; as if a child were some sort of consolation prize. I’m sorry, but too often we excuse women because they are women, I can no longer in good conscious keep silent. Women write and comment concerning my writings that I am bashing women, nothing could be further from the truth. What I am bashing is selfishness on the part of both men and women. Men for the simple fact that they are allowing their need for selfish gratification to cause them to create children they have no intention of raising and women because they selfishly have children for companionship, as if they were some kind of live doll. I know for a fact that there are women who know they are not going to be with the man that is lying with them, but for the sake of their own selfishness they want a child.

There is enough blame is this thing for everyone, but the real issue is what about the children. Who is concerned about them? Who is willing to sacrifice and lay aside false pride and selfishness to improve the lives of our children? I have women writing me saying how they are the ones who are there for these children and that is true, but what about the selfishness in putting them in that position in the first place? Where is being there for them then? I know we are slaves to our passions and we cannot control our urges, as if we were just beasts in the field with no self-control.

Women you should not look at your son as their father, they are not. They may someday resemble him, but they will always be their own unique person. God has made us all to be unique creations and worthy of love and acceptance.[1] There is a tendency to want to identify our children with the parent, especially if there is conflict in the relationship or if the biological parent has deserted the relationship. Unfortunately sometimes there is a propensity to demonize the father through the child. This can be done by denigrating the father in front of the child and expecting the child to co-sign with the assessment.

It has been my experience that no matter how bad a parent may be as a partner or as a parent, children will always rally around them. Many times I have witnessed where one parent will try to turn a child against the other parent and it backfires. Nobody wants to be told that the person they love is unlovable. It seems to be human nature that we want to kill the messenger instead of heeding the message. Children appear to be no different and maybe even more so.

The other way women can view their sons as the father is that they ascribe the same traits of the father to the son. “You are a liar just like your father”, is a good one and I am sure there are many more. Again, if there is a strong resemblance the tendency seems to increase. Many times we become what we are called or who we are identified as, especially when we are young. The attitude can be, what’s the use I will be called or accuse of it anyway. We must not break our children’s spirits. There are certain things we will have to break in them, but their spirit should never be one of them.

Take time out today to see your son as the beautiful, unique, and precious gift that God created him to be. Nurture his identity and special gifts. Water his creativity, so that they may bloom in due season.

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[1] Luke 12:7

Help For the Single Mother (Part 1)

And He said to them, “Go into all the world and
preach the gospel to every creature.

Mark 16:15

While I believe in the Boys Town project, I am a realist and I don’t think we as a people have the courage or the will to make it a reality. Since it also does not appear like our young women are going to stop having babies. I have decided to put up some simple common-sense ideas to help single mothers trying to raise male children. I was recently contacted by a number of women who wanted to know what to do “after the cow has left the barn”, I was struck by the request because so often we ignore those who need the help most, because we are so busy concentrating on getting our point or agenda across. I would like to state for the record that I believe that my job on this earth is not to convert anyone to my religion. That is not what God has me here to do, what my job is in conjunction with God is to introduce the people I encounter to the One who sent me.

So many Churches today measure their success by earthly standards. How many “souls we saved”, how many are in Sunday school, and my favorite how much is in the “building fund”. I don’t believe that this is how God measures the success of the Church. Nowhere in the Bible have I located a passage that says convert anyone to anything. Jesus speaks of us being converted to little children[1], not little Baptists, or Methodist, or COGIC, but little children. I say these things to say that all I want to do is to introduce you to my Master; I am not here to judge anyone. I write the things I write out of love for my people, not out of judgment. It is my fervent hope and prayer that we return to our rightful place under God’s authority. The Bible talks about unless we are “born again”[2], we will not see the Kingdom of God. I don’t know of any Church that can give a man new birth, only God can do that.

So the first idea is your male child needs a male role-model around for learning what a man is. It doesn’t have to be his biological father. It doesn’t have to be a man around all the time, but it must be someone consistently in the child’s life. Someone he can count on to be there and someone he can trust and talk to. This role can be filled by an acquaintance, a teacher, or a relative. Who the person is not as important as what that person is and what they represent. The person should be a man of strong character with patience and love for children. I know it is hard to believe that are still Black men of this caliber around, it is just that they are outnumbered by the selfish ones. Any man will not fill the void, again it is not about just having someone there, it is about the character of the man there. So often, Black women are attracted to the men who are not good fathers, husbands, or providers; instead they are drawn to the flashy, smooth talkers. Look at the women of other races they will marry men who are not the best looking, best dressers, they will take the one who they know they can depend on, the one that will love them and provide for them. He may not be the most exciting and fun person, but he will not desert you when you get pregnant, nor will he desert his children.

So where are these role models? Where should you begin to look to find them? I would start at a church or a community center. I would contact male relatives that are being responsible. Remember this isn’t about you getting married or finding a mate, it is about you providing your son with a male to fashion himself after. It is to give him an outlet for his “male energy”. The reason most of our young men are in gangs or hanging out with the “homeboys” is because they don’t have any outlet for their natural male aggression. They end up channeling it in negative ways, but if they had been provided with a positive influence maybe it would have been different. I would contact Big Brothers or some other mentoring program. In our larger cities there are men who have volunteered to provide our young men with the positive role model. You have to look, but they are out there. In the rural communities there usually is a more extended family atmosphere in the community, so I have found it easier to locate role models in that setting.

I know that as a single mother you want to protect your child and I am not advocating just anybody for the role. Research has shown that boys that have regular, stable men in their lives do better. As mothers you must be willing and make the effort to provide that child what he needs. If that child needed a particular medicine what would you do to get it for him? It is the same here, he needs this companionship to mature into a strong Black man and isn’t this what you want for him?

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[1] Matthew 18:3

[2] John 3:3

Boys Town 2007 Part 2

Hear, my children, the instruction of a father,
And give attention to know understanding;
For I give you good doctrine: Do not forsake my law.
Proverbs 4:1-2

Now that we have gotten over the shock phase, let’s look at how we would create these schools. Let me say for the record that it is my firm belief that children of all races and economic status do better with both parents in the home, most studies will attest to this fact. So I am not advocating the complete isolation of the young men from all female contact, this would be just the other side of the same coin we have now. We would replace young men who have the emotional state of women with young men that would not be able to display compassion or tenderness.

Let’s begin with how we would house the young men. I think the school housing should be done as a two parent home. The homes would have house parents that would supervise the homes and the young men when they are not in school, physical training, and or other curricular activities. Preferably the couple would be a married couple, but that would not be a necessity. A married couple would help to teach the young men in a real world scenario how a man treats a woman he loves and it is a statistical fact that children from two parent homes do better than those from single parent homes.

An increase in the numbers and proportion of children born outside of marriage and a rise in divorce rates have contributed to a three-fold increase in the proportion of children growing up in single-parent families since 1960. These changes have generated considerable public concern and controversy, particularly about the effects of these changes on the wellbeing of children. Over the past 20 years, a body of research has developed on how changes in patterns of family structure affect children.

Most researchers now agree that together these studies support the notion that, on average, children do best when raised by their two married, biological1 parents who have low-conflict relationships.[1]

I don’t think we can stress enough the importance of marriage for these young men, due to a number of economic, cultural, and selfish reasons marriage is not highly valued in our community. We should begin the process to change this phenomenon, because the statics concerning the chances of children growing up in poverty in single parent families is well documented. However, studies show that it is not just purely economics; there is something inherent in marriage that transcends to the family. It is what I call one of the mysteries of God, God has sanctified marriage and He continues to support marriage.

Also, if income was the major factor behind the negative association between single parenthood and child outcomes, one would expect children of single-parent families who are not poor to have better outcomes than children of poor single-parent families. However, a recent study in Sweden—where the safety net is stronger than in the U.S. and where the poverty rate among single mothers is very low— found problems for children of Swedish single-parent families similar to those found for children of American single-parent families.[2]

Two opposite sex staff members could fulfill the same purpose only to a lesser degree. They could demonstrate to the young men inter-gender relationship skills that a lot of our youth do not presently have. They would learn the value of respect for women and see them as more than faceless bodies gyrating on the television. Under no circumstances should it be an unmarried couple or staff members who are romantically involved, this would only reinforce behavior we hope to modify.

Within the homes, the young men should be given instruction in cleanliness, trustworthiness, and thriftiness. They should be taught in life skills and be required to take an active role in the chores of the house. They should be required not only to have scholastic studies, but also spiritual and historical studies of their ancestors. At all cost we must provide a stable and secure home for these young men, they should learn conflict resolution at an early age.

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[1] http://www.clasp.org/publications/Marriage_Brief3.pdf

[2] Ibid

Boys Town 2007

My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD;

neither be weary of his correction:

For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth;

even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

Proverbs 3:11-12

As more and more of our young men fall prey to violence and our young women continue to have children outside the covenant of God, we must begin to look at some radical ideas to change the direction we are headed. What I am about to propose will be seen by many as controversial and maybe inhumane, but I believe it will help to bring our people back to their rightful place as strong men and women of God.

As the rates of Black on Black homicides increase annually and murder has become the leading cause of death for our young Black men, these rates appear to correspond to the rise in single mother households. This is not an indictment against single mothers, it is an indictment against the men who are willing to create life, but do nothing to sustain that life once it is born. Despite everyone’s calm demeanor and political correctness we are in a crisis that demands our immediate attention and our action.

What I propose is that we create residences for our Black male children born to single mothers staffed by Black male educators and social scientist. These would be homes that they would reside in once they reached an age where they could be separated from their mothers. They would remain there for possibly 10 months out of the year being educated, prepared, and trained in what it takes to be a successful Black man. They would be given a regular scholastic curriculum bolstered with history of our people and continent. They would be separated from their mothers and from girls of the same age. I guarantee if we had the courage and the will to do this, in one generation we could turn the fortunes of our people around; in two we would be the most successful minorities in this country.

This all seems so drastic; why do we need to resort to these measures?

In regard to the subtitle of the book, single motherhood is what hurts insofar as it often deprives children of important economic, parental, and community resources. Most single-mother families have low incomes or, following a divorce or separation, experience sudden drops in income. According to McLanahan and Sandefur, low incomes and sudden drops in income are the most important reasons that children in single-mother families fare worse than other children. Indeed, these two account for about half of the disadvantage in high school graduation, and somewhat less of the disadvantage in other outcomes.

Another factor behind the disadvantages faced by children in single-mother families is inadequate attention and guidance from the mother. Children need more than just economic security to thrive; they require parents who have the time to help them with their homework, read to them, and listen to how their day went in school. They also need parents who can supervise their activities outside of school. One parent alone does not have the time to do these things, whereas two parents working together often do.

Finally, children who live in single-parent families lack the community resources that other children frequently have. They are more likely to live in disadvantaged neighborhoods and to associate with peers who have negative attitudes toward school. They are also more likely to change residences, which disrupts their lives even further, since it usually means going to a new school and losing contact with old friends.[1]

The issues outlined in the above quote are all issues that have led to our no longer being competitive in education, invention, and science. It isn’t that single mothers are not trying to be good parents; it is just that they have the deck stacked against them going in. Most have to work for minimum or low wages; they have to work long hours and shifts that are not conducive to raising children. It is not that single mothers do not love their sons, but we are loving them to death right now. Maybe it is time to discuss alternatives to what we have been doing in the past and what we want to accomplish in the future. Do we want to continue down the path we are on condemning our children to a future of poverty and the cycle of lawlessness? Aren’t our children worth more than that?

I have deliberately not included statics supporting or refuting the benefits of same sex schooling, I have learned that no matter what numbers I pull out, opponents can pull out an equal number disputing my numbers. But this isn’t about numbers; this is about the things our young men need that don’t appear on any sheet of paper or scholastic test. Our young men more than anything need to learn how to be men and they will not learn it from our women. No other culture expects their young men to be trained by women in how to be men. We are the only ones in the world who are doing this.

The time has come to put emotionalism and sentimentality away and think about for a change what is best for our children. It is a selfish thing to have kids you know you can’t support, to sentence them to a lifetime of struggle just to survive. God have mercy on us…

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[1] http://www.irp.wisc.edu/publications/focus/textver/16.2.a/impact.txt

Single Mothers Raising Men?

Today’s post will generate a lot of controversy but it is discussion that I think is way overdue. The question is can a woman raise a male child to become a “successful” man alone? Now of course the knee jerk reaction will be a resounding yes and there will be story after story of how it was and is being done. I applaud any and all single mothers that are raising young men alone. I pray for you daily. The question remains, is it possible for a woman, a single woman to raise a man on a consistent basis? The reason for this question stated this way is because of the numbers of young black men being raised by single mothers. Has this been positive for Black people or negative?

Due to the diverse myriad of information and scenarios, I am not going to try to answer this question in one post. I plan to continue this series periodically so that we are able to examine as much data and empirical evidence as we can. I am going to be proposing some controversial steps and ideas and I want to provide them with a full hearing. I ask that you be open minded and at least consider the proposals before dismissing them out of hand.

The rule of thumb has always been that a boy needs a man in the house to imitate and emulate the masculine skills needed to successfully navigate manhood in a hostile environment. With the landscape of the “family” changing daily, the question is this still a valid assumption or was it ever valid? We must begin by developing some common ground that we can proceed from or our debate will be grounded before ever taking flight.

Are men and women different and does being a man or woman require different skills to be successful? This is always a fly in the ointment for many, because we often times equate different with unequal. Men and women are equal in the eyes of their Creator and should be so in the world, with that being said men and women are different. Men and women were created to fill different roles and despite our societies insistence to the contrary the fact remains. Most women can bear children and have a more maternal or protective instinct of the family than men. Because we are a continuation of nature we can look to nature to get some ideas of the difference in roles between the species. Regardless of our desire to rid ourselves of our connections to our untamed neighbors we share a lot of similar behaviors with them. It’s funny in nature how it is often the mother that does most of the raising of the off-spring and giving them guidance in hunting, surviving, and development into adulthood.

As independent parents raising children without the presence of a father, mothers have long been treated with dubiousness, fear, and even contempt. Traditional theories contended that mothers who reared sons without the presence of an active father -- or who were married but “overbearing” or raising “mama’s boys” -- instilled lifelong psychic disability, schizophrenia, or, worst, homosexuality in their sons. More recently, society’s guardians have declared that mothers -- especially single mothers, whether unmarried and poor, divorced and employed, straight or lesbian, or as white and prosperous as Calista Flockhart and Jodie Foster -- are sending violent, drug-using hellions out in into the world, boys who present no positive maleness, all due to the combination of Mom’s presence and Dad’s absence. Since Freud, mothers have been inculcated with the idea that we need to cut our sons’ cords to make them men ready to take on masculine roles in the world, from working toward worldly success to making war.

We have been further told by Freudians, social psychologists, and the popular culture that our sons need their dads in order to become upstanding male citizens. If not for Beaver Cleaver’s mom and dad, June and Ward, where would Beaver and his brother, Wally, have been? Without Ward, wouldn’t the boys have missed the supposedly crucial opportunity to separate from June by identifying with a very present father?

According to Freud and others who followed him, June alone could not have achieved everything required to bring up “the Beav” successfully. During the first 3 to 4 years of Beaver’s life, he would have needed Ward to imitate, long for, and react to, in order to gain the prize of being like his father. This theory -- that boys acquire masculinity only with an in-house male in the mother’s bedroom -- has prevailed to the detriment of both mothers and their sons. It presumes that the earliest relationship between infant and mother is simply a caretaking one. The assumption is that the mother is only a need provider for her son, while he in turn becomes physically and emotionally dependent on her. Eventually, assuming there is a present father in the home, the mother must withdraw herself from the child if her son is to become independent of her and escape the dire fate of being a mama’s boy.[1]

Are these concepts accurate and have they served our community well in the past? Are there any lessons to be learned from the past? I believe we must begin to look at ourselves and ask some tough questions about what we truly believe and what we truly want. We cannot continue to live the way we do and allow the things we do and expect things to improve. On the contrary things are getting worse.

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[1] http://www.peggydrexler.com/excerpt.htm

Are You Worth Waiting For?

To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and

unbelieving nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled.

Titus 1:15

As I was on my way to work this week, I saw a young lady wearing a tee shirt that stated, “I am worth waiting for”. I have to admit when I first read it I was shocked; it’s not every day that you find our young women wearing the message of abstinence. Unfortunately for many of our young women the uniform of the day is a little more tawdry. As the day went on and I thought about the young ladies shirt, I was reminded of the many comments from folks that abstinence is unworkable, and impractical. Those kids are going to have sex and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

I began to think about that logic and those who are promoting it. The majority of people promoting this logic are people who themselves were unwilling or unable to remain celibate. I thought back into my training; there is a saying to find out who is behind something, follow the money. In this case, who would have something to gain from promoting this position, would it be God or Satan? If it were God then this would be in direct contradiction to His Word, which he said he would never do.[1] If Satan, then why are we promoting his agenda and doing his bidding? Am I foolish enough to think that kids or adults for that matter won’t fornicate? No, but I am not so jaded and cynical to give up on standing for something, God.

I believe that our women and our girls are worth waiting for. I believe that our children are our most precious resource and they should be protected, sometimes from themselves. Too often in our community our children are not being protected, they are being abandoned and forced to raise themselves. In many cases it is not even intentional neglect, but the byproduct of single parenthood. I believe the majority of single mothers want the best for their children, but because they are so over worked and stressed they can’t provide the attention and the care the children require. Our community is full of strong and beautiful women, who have been raising our children alone for years. I think though that it is time for our women to look at the bigger picture of what single parenthood does.

William Raspberry of the Washington Post writes

For the 2000 Census, the percentage of black families headed by married couples was 38. The only good news is that it was also 38 percent in 1990, suggesting that the trend may have stopped getting worse.

Now consider this: Fatherless families are America's single largest source of poverty. The Annie E. Casey Foundation's "Kids Count" once reported that Americans who failed to complete high school, to get married and to reach age 20 before having their first child were nearly 10 times as likely to live in poverty as those who did these three things.

But while marriage may not be a cure for poverty, it does turn out to be a fairly reliable preventative . Isn't it worthwhile to spend more time and resources helping young people to understand the economic implications of single parenthood before they become single parents? Wouldn't it make sense to rethink our relatively recent easy acceptance of out-of-wedlock parenting?[2]

The conclusion is that if our young women choose to become pregnant without the benefit of marriage they are not only condemning themselves, but also their children to a greater chance of a lifetime of poverty. I don’t think that if presented with the evidence most mothers would knowingly place their children in the vicious cycle of poverty, but many of them do it. This has given rise to generations of families that cannot escape the cycle of poverty. We will not be able to break the cycle of poverty that plagues our community without addressing the epidemic of fornication. Any remedies that do not take this into account will be like placing a band-aid on a shooting victim, it helps but it ain’t going to stop the bleeding.

This bleak prospect for single mothers prompted US public affairs columnist Jonathan Rauch to suggest that "marriage is displacing both income and race as the great class divide in the new century". Indeed, research shows that the growth of single parent families accounts for virtually all the increase in US child poverty rates between the 1970s and early 1990s. Children growing up in single parent families are four times as likely to be poor than are those from two-parent families.

Today, almost two thirds of all poor children are in single-parent homes. Growing up in single-parent families also has negative effects on the social and economic outcomes of children. In addition to their high incidence of poverty and low income, studies show that children from single-mother families are much more likely to experience psychiatric disorders, ranging from hyperactivity, conduct or emotional disorders, and schooling problems than those living both parents. While children growing up in single-parent families are not doomed, the odds are certainly stacked against them.[3]

We as concerned parents and neighbors have to come up with a way to educate our children on the negative effects of fornication. The biggest hurdle is the fact that in our community it is not just our children that are practicing fornication, but our adults as well. It is very difficult to press the argument of abstinence when the adult is laying up with people they are not married to. I think what fuels a lot of the anti-abstinence argument is the fact that we don’t want to teach our kids about abstinence if it requires us to evaluate our own lifestyles. We should be more that just hearers of the Word, we should also become doers of the Word.[4]

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[1] Matthew 24:35

[2] http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/31/AR2005073101075_2.html

[3] http://www.nzbr.org.nz/documents/perspectives/perspectives-2004/Issue47.pdf

[4] James 1:22

Pro-Life or Pro-Choice?

I recently was a part of an online discussion about abortion. I felt limited in how I could respond because it was not my blog and I didn’t feel it my place to fill up someone else’s space. However, after posting my comments I felt as though I had not expressed all or how I wanted to in that space at that time. So, I thought I would use this forum to complete my feelings concerning this very divisive issue.

First of all I want to state my opposition to abortion. I believe that it goes against the teachings of God and is a sin. Where it stacks up among other sins I do not know, but I base my feelings on the following passage from scripture:

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before
you were born I sanctified you;
Jeremiah 1:5

With that said, I believe that everyone has choices in this world and it is not for me to make those choices for others. I believe that when we stand before the judgment seat of Christ there will be no witnesses called. God will not ask me what I thought about your decisions; it will be each one of us alone before God. We all must search our own hearts in making decisions and there are few if any decisions that are as overwhelming for many women as the decision to have an abortion. It is a decision that has plagued many women for the rest of their lives. Even those who have gone on to have successful full term pregnancies afterwards are haunted by that faithful decision. I am not here to cast stones at anyone, for I am no one to judge another. My only hope and desire is that those in this position will find the support, love, and the wisdom to make the right decision.

I have lost two babies to abortions in my life that I know about. In each case it was a heart wrenching experience for my partners at the time and myself. In each situation I protested vehemently against having the abortion, but again each of us is responsible for our own decisions. The issue that I don’t think most women understand is how the abortion affects a lot of men. Of course for the most part unfortunately it is the man promoting the abortion for various selfish reasons, but there are many of us who deeply feel the lost of our unborn. Of course in both cases there were plenty of reasons for having the procedures; we’re too young, we aren’t established, we’re not ready, my career, and etc. It is in my nature to see both sides of an argument and it makes a lot of my decisions real torment; I go back and forth. Being the man of course limited my being able to offer anything more than an opinion, which was torture in itself. I would be reduced to a mere spectator in the decision on whether to keep my unborn child. Women, if you don’t know that was one of the most powerful feelings of powerlessness I have ever had. It was so difficult to be supportive and yet have feelings of anger, frustration, and fear.

Because of my beliefs, it was more than just the life of my unborn child that troubled my spirit. It was also the soul of my partner that caused me great alarm; I worried for their eternal life. It is amazing to me how we waxed so poetically about our love for one another, yet many of us care absolutely nothing about the eternal destination of our partners. If I truly love someone shouldn’t I want to protect their eternal life as much as I want to protect their physical life? If I could avoid placing them in positions that could jeopardize their souls by controlling my selfish desires, shouldn’t I want to do it? Do I love that person more than I love myself? I think so many of us err in our choices for partners because we don’t do the homework, we don’t ask the right the questions. Some don’t ask the right questions because they don’t want to hear the answer they are going to receive.

The women in each of these cases were “good” women. They were loving, kind, and considerate. They both in my opinion would have made excellent mothers. I don’t think that either took their responsibilities lightly or the dreadful decision that they would have to make. In each case the process of deciding was torment for both of us. It took us to the brink of terminating our relationship and back again. In each case the relationship was never repaired to its previous state. In both cases I lost not only the unborn, but my partners as well. In each case the lost was devastating.

The point I want to stress is that today I realize if we had remained in the state that God had intended for us, these decisions would not have been necessary to make. The attending loss of trust and intimacy would have not been necessary. There are those who will say, “Or you could have used a condom, but that is really not the answer. This is not the answer for me because it is merely treating the symptom and not the underlying cause. I know today that God’s plan is the best plan for my life; He gives me instructions not to punish me but to protect me. I can never articulate the pain and anguish that my partners and I suffered during these times, nor do I believe that any single mothers can articulate the struggle of her life trying to raise children alone. I know that raising children with two parents is a herculean endeavor. I see the hardship daily in the lives of all the single mothers I encounter. I have never met a woman yet who did not continue to be haunted by their decision years later to have an abortion. If we want to avoid the results, we must avoid the cause. We must remain pure at all costs.

To those who have had to struggle and make that dreadful decision my heart goes out to you, because I too am bruised and hurt. I want you to know that there is no condemnation at the cross, there is forgiveness and reconciliation. Come to the “Healer” and be healed, there is no sin so bad that it will not be forgiven. I first must ask for that forgiveness.

Fornication and Role Models

But he who did not know, yet committed things deserving of stripes, shall be beaten with few. For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more.

Luke 12:48

The following is a list of athletes and the number of illegitimate children they have fathered. I tried to locate a list of actors and politicians, but it appears athletes are the only ones anyone cares enough about to create a list for.

ATHLETES WITH ILLEGITIMATE KIDS

THE HEAVYWEIGHTS
Shawn Kemp - 7 illegitimate kids by 6 women. Gives his nickname of the Reign Man new meaning.
Evander Holyfield - 9 illegitimate kids. "Heck I'm not even mad, I'm impressed!"
Ex-San Antonio Spur Willie Anderson - 9 illegitimate kids. If only his field goal percentage had been as high as his impregnation rate.
Derrick Thomas - 7 illegitimate kids by 5 women. He died at 33. Let's just leave it at that.
Ray Charles - Not an athlete, but still had 9 illegitimate kids and 12 total, which is quite impressive. Being blind must have made it tough to get that condom on.
UPDATE: Don't know how we missed this - thanks to a reader for pointing this out to us - Calvin Murphy reportedly had 14 illegitimate kids by 9 women. Wow.

THE MIDDLEWEIGHTS
Larry Johnson - 5 kids by 4 women. 3 are illegitimate.
Santonio Holmes - 3 illegitimate kids by two women, before leaving college.
Former Celtic Greg Minor - 3 illegitimate kids.
Ricky Williams - 3 illegitimate kids. Maybe that's why he smokes so much weed.
Priest Holmes - 3 illegitimate kids. You best keep running Priest.

THE LIGHTNING FAST GROUP
Willis McGahee - 3 illegitimate kids in 2 years in Buffalo. Not a lot to do in Buffalo, except make babies. Lots and lots of babies.

THE GUYS YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT GROUP
Walter Herrmann
Peja Stojakovic
Wizards Coach Eddie Jordan
NHL player Daniel Alfredsson
NHL player Richard Zednik
Mike Miller

THE FAMOUS OLD GUYS GROUP
Steve Garvey - 2 illegitimate kids by 2 women.
Dr. J - 2 illegitimate kids by 2 women.
Larry Bird
Isiah Thomas
Jim Palmer
Pete Rose

THE GETTING A HEAD START GROUP
Gary Sheffield - Had 2 illegitimate kids by age 17. Added a few more later on in life.

THE THAT'S JUST WRONG GROUP
Elijah Dukes - recently impregnated a 17-year-old foster child.

THE QB KIDS GROUP
Matt Leinart - already has one, my guess is he's working hard on another.
Tom Brady - his is on the way.

GUYS WITH AT LEAST ONE ILLEGITIMATE KID
Antawn Jamison
Chipper Jones
DeShawn Stevenson
Cliff Floyd
Mark Messier
Brian Urlacher
Rae Carruth - Yes, he fathered an illegitimate kid before the incident where he had his pregnant girlfriend gunned down.
Oscar De La Hoya
Juan Gonzalez
Andre Rison
David Justice
Alonzo Spellman
Dave Meggett
Gary Payton - If the glove doesn't fit...
Stephon Marbury
Jason Kidd
Allen Iverson
Latrell Sprewell
Juwan Howard
Kenny Anderson
Scottie Pippen
Hakeem Olajuwon
Patrick Ewing
Randy Johnson - by reader request. We missed him.

This is just wrong. It is behavior like this that some say further reinforces the idea that “stars” are above the rules. If that were only true, the truth of the matter is that this is just a reflection of our society as a whole. These men are not in some isolated environment, but are merely acting out the same mores of the society. We as a community and as a nation have come to the place where we accept fornication as a way of life. We have lost the power to control our bodies, as if they were no longer connected to our brains, but a separate entity that does what it wants. I don’t believe that this is the way God intended for us to live. God did not intend for us to be slaves of our passions, but to be in control of them. Does this mean that we will live perfect lives? No, but it does mean that it is our duty to bring our minds and our lives under the obedience of Christ.[1] The apostle Paul writes, “It is our reasonable service”, to present ourselves as living sacrifices.[2]

The problem today is so many modern Christians say to God, “Oh God I will follow you and I will believe in you, so long as I can continue doing the mess I am doing.” They want to be Christians with no sacrifice. They want to continue living the way they want to, fornicating, gambling, lying, and cheating. Being a Christian is simple, but it is not easy. It requires that certain things I want to do, I can’t do. Not because they are forbidden by the law, but because they are no longer who I am. When the Holy Spirit truly abides in someone their behavior changes, they no longer want to do the things they use to do. Their desires change and reflect the desires of the Father, no longer seeking selfish pleasure.

I don’t fault these men, they are just men. But as a parent I realize that it is up to me to be the role model for my children, to teach them what is expected of a man in the sight of God. The message of what a man is supposed to be was perverted for me; I don’t want my children to get that same perverted message. I cannot allow the world to define what I am or what my children will become. Our society, especially in the Black community is being given these images that are direct opposition to what God desires for us to be. Our sons have been sold this “thug life” garbage and our daughters have been reduced to nothing more than faceless sex objects. Where is the outcry? It has become so common for our young women to have children out of wedlock that we don’t even think twice about it anymore. Getting married has become the unusual situation and fornication the norm. It is time we reverse this trend. But it has to begin with us as Black men getting back under the authority of God. A man first and most important job when he becomes married is to save his household. Men, let’s save our homes and our families…

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[1] 2 Corinthians 10:5

[2] Romans 12:1

Where Do We Go From Here?

Knowledge without action is worthless. To know something is wrong and to not act on that knowledge is the condemnation of man. God has made it clear to all of us what he requires. The choice however is ours, God will never impose His will on us. Every command of Jesus was couched in the statement of “if”. If you want eternal life, if you want to be healed, if you want to follow me, then here is what you do. God requires our cooperation in the healing process.[1] There are many of us who will only believe if God continues to provide signs. There are others who profess belief if they are able to continue doing the things they want. Lord, I will believe in You and worship You, if I can continue to gamble, chase women or men, and do what I want to do. God is not to be bargained with like some Bob Barker in the sky.

I know that there are many who need to receive this Word. If you have found this place, it is not by accident. Regardless of what brought you here, there is healing here. There is a Word for you here. I pray that you would pass this site on to others, that others may find the healing that we all so desperately need.

Fornication is killing us as a nation. We have lost our moral way and now we are stumbling along blindly being overtaken by all manner of sin. Our children have rebelled against us and against God. We are in a very dangerous place when the sons of men have lost their fear of God.[2] The many problems that beset us stem from our refusal to obey God. Obedience to God is not optional for Christians. We do not get to pick and choose what we will follow and when. We should no longer allow the world to dictate to the Church what is acceptable.

I am exploring having this book edited and published. If anyone would like to support me in this project, please email me. I will need financial support to get this project published. I would like to be able to get this Word out to our young people while there is still time. Can we count on you to support us in this effort to stop this epidemic? I want every young person in America to have a chance to read this and know that they have a choice. Our communities and our young people need you. Can they count on you? We have let them down so many times, let’s put them first for a change!

Rodney.Knott@gmail.com

[1] John 5:8
[2] Romans 3:10-18

Chapter 9, Part 20

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
and shall obtain favor from the Lord.”
Proverbs 18:22

According to the Word, a wife is a good thing and brings favor from God. I have researched and I have found no such verse for a “baby’s momma”, girlfriend, or life partner. This bond is so complete to God that it is described as two people becoming one person in heart, mind, and spirit.[1] Two separate entities being brought together and made one. Marriage was provided from God to give a stable environment to raise children, so that children would know security and be given the knowledge of God. One of the main ingredients missing in the lives of our children today is security. Ask any child today what they fear and they will tell you they live in fear of the unknown. Children are afraid that their homes are going to be destroyed not by terrorist, but by divorce. A large part of that is the relative ease that homes are disintegrated today, we are living in a transient society. There is no longer a commitment to anything or anyone. Many today do not even bother to get married to raise children and those that do seem to have little commitment to the family. For those that do not know; God hates divorce![2] God has never desired for us to be divorced. If it were not for the hardness of man’s heart, God would have never allowed it.[3] We have turned divorce into a cottage industry. The animosity of many divorces today should convince anyone of why God has such a hatred for divorce. Children being torn from parents, turned against parents, and sometimes kidnapped from parents. You have parents using the custody of children as a weapon.

Why is divorce so common today? I believe one of the reasons is that we no longer go to God for our mates. Today so many of our young women are going out into the world (clubs, hangouts, etc.) looking for mates instead of going to God. In the black community, it is particularly disturbing because most mothers were not very successful in their choice of men and they pass that on to their daughters. Instead of teaching them to look for a man that will cherish, love, and provide for them, they are being shown to go for the man with the flashy smile, clothes, and the smooth line. Most, black women today claim to want a godly man, but when given the opportunity continue to pick the worldly man. He is more exciting, as if life were nothing more than an amusement park ride. People are choosing worldly qualities over Godly qualities. They are choosing the superficial over the deeper elements of a person’s character. Many would not know a good man if he were to walk up and slap them in the face.[4][5] There are many who marry and do not even know the religion of their mate or even if their mate is saved. The Bible is very clear on believers marrying unbelievers it is to be avoided.

“Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers,
But a prudent wife is from the Lord.”
Proverbs 19:14

I find it disturbing how many people will meet and marry people from the club, the streets, or now the internet and know absolutely nothing about the person. It is like the guy who marries a stripper and then gets mad when she takes her clothes off in front of other men. Hello, remember you were her favorite customer. Or, the woman who cheats with a man that she knows is with someone else and then can not believe when he cheats on her. What are people thinking these days?

Today, there is a growing and common attitude that it is better to be with anybody than to be alone. Due to our society promoting these self-gratification values, people no longer can wait on God. If you want a loving, perfect mate, pray to God and wait for God to give you him or her. Sometimes it takes so long for God to respond because you are not ready for what you are praying for. Sometimes we are not ready for the blessing that God has waiting to give us and God would not send us a blessing that will make our lives worse. He would rather you do without until you are ready to receive it. When was the promise land given to Israel? It was given to them before the beginning of time. So why did they have to spend forty years in the wilderness? Because they were not ready to receive the gift that God had already given them, their faith was weak. So, it is with many of us, we would not be able to love and cherish the blessing God has for us, because we have too much “worldliness” on us. For many of us we are just too selfish to be with anyone from God. Many of us only need to look at the gifts God has already bestowed on us; what have we done with those? God may be in the process of burning some of that worldliness off of you and preparing you for His blessing. Be patient, it is always to God’s glory that we are blessed. To show the world how awesome, powerful, and good the God we serve is.

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[1] Ibid.

[2] Malachi 2:16

[3] Matthew 19:9

[4] Figure of speech, I would never condone the use of violence against any woman.

[5] 1 Corinthians

This is the last post from my book. I want to thank all of the people who have come by and supported my efforts in getting out God's Word to those who are lost. I will continue to post to this blog with other information related to our fight. If this blog has helped anyone, please contact me at rodney.knott@gmail.com and give me your feedback. Thank you and may God get the glory...Glory to God.

Chapter 9, Part 19

Marriage

“Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each
man have his own wife, and let each woman have
her own husband.”
1 Corinthians 7:2

How do we break this cycle of fornication and sexual sinfulness? According to the Apostle Paul, we must marry. The answer to fornication is marriage. What a novel concept. As it was in the beginning, the way that God originally designed it in His perfect plan for us. Among its many benefits, marriage raises the earnings of men and motivates them to work more hours. It also reduces by two-thirds the likelihood that a family will live in poverty, researchers have learned. Could this be why so many single mothers and children live in poverty? Thousands of years later, how God designed it is still the right way. Man has continually tried to improve on God’s concept of marriage by instituting this “try it before you by it” idea. In other words let’s go out, sleep with a bunch of different people, and then decide whom we want to marry. There is only one small problem; it assumes that marriage is all about sexual gratification. We think that a good sex partner will make a good marriage or lifetime partner. And of course, this is foolishness, marriage is more than sex. In fact, sex plays such a small part of the overall relationship. Any marriage based on sex will not last very long.

Some may say that marriage cannot be the answer. Look at all the marriages that are ending today in divorce. However, the problem is not marriage, it is divorce. Divorce is causing so much pain in our society today. If we were to follow the teachings of our Lord, the only reason for divorce permitted by God is adultery.[1] We are not to divorce for any and every reason that we grant divorces for today. I can recall one celebrity who divorced his wife for irreconcilable differences; it appears she was taller than he was. I checked and she had not grown an inch in the marriage so she was that height when he married her. The teachings of Christ on marriage and divorce are pretty simple and straightforward. Marriage is until death do you part. We should take marriage very seriously; it appears that God does. Christ said that, “What God has joined together let no man pull apart.”[2]

What we have forgotten is that marriage is not an earthly or man-made institution it was created by God for man. Marriage was created and ordained by God to avoid the problems we are currently facing as a people and to a greater extent as a nation. We have become a community of fornicators. Man has so perverted the institution of marriage it should come as no surprise to anyone that it is no longer working. Marriage today is treated like some sort of business deal, a contract that can be broken or breached at anytime. This is not how God intended marriage to be practiced. God said that when a man and a woman are joined together they are no longer two, but become one flesh.[3] Marriage is not an external bond, it was designed to be an internal bond until death. Marriage has no power today due in large part to the fornication that is taking place prior to the marriage. As soon as the marriage becomes a little difficult, it’s over and on to the next one.

The world continues to display through the media the farce that marriage has become. All those role models and idols are shown with those huge weddings with all the trappings, the envy of all who see them. Yet, within less than a year for most of them they are separated or divorced. Again, the following year they show up “in love” with some new heartthrob or actress/model and the process begins all over again. I wish I could say that this only occurs in “sinful Hollywood” or the entertainment business but that would not be true. Unfortunately, in the “evangelical Christian” community divorce rates are just as high if not higher than in the “worldly” community. In fact, the “Bible belt” has a divorce rate that is higher than the supposedly liberal northeast. If the people of God are not upholding the teachings of Christ how can we expect the world to follow the example we are suppose to be setting. Why are so many “born again” Christians divorcing and remarrying? Maybe those claiming to have the in-dwelling Holy Spirit in them do not. The numbers on the divorce rates of “evangelicals” is staggering and I would ask anyone to check the figures for yourself. Do the research and I know the numbers will bear me out.

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[1] Matthew 5:32

[2] Matthew 19:6

[3] Ibid

Chapter 9, Part 18

“Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as
is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and
so much the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Hebrews 10:25

To exhort one another, that means to urge or advise strongly. We as a body of believers need to exhort each other more to follow the Lord. In our assemblies we spend more time worrying about who is sleeping with whom than uplifting one another. Our bodies of believers have turned into a body of gossipers and backbiters. It is no wonder our church bodies have no power to stem this epidemic. Instead of gossiping about each other we should be praying for each other and lifting our fallen members up. We want to just sit and talk behind each others backs. As the day of judgment approaches with all of its trials and tribulations for believers we need more than ever to exhort one another. We will all come under extreme pressure to compromise and adopt the ways of the world. It will take all of our faiths to be able to stand in those times.

We must remember that this body is all about relationships. From the relationship the Father has with the Son, to our relationship with the Trinity, to our relationship to each other. Our relationship with each other is suppose to be a mirror of the relationship we have with our heavenly Father. If we build better relationships inside the body of believers, the more likely we will follow the teachings of the Lord. As our relationships get stronger with our brothers and sisters in Christ, the stronger our resolve to do the right thing will be. We strengthen each other through our unity of purpose and faith. Let us begin to work on our relationships to affect change on the world. Our Lord said, “If we have something against our brothers we are to leave our gift at the altar and go and be reconciled to our brothers, then come back to the altar.[1] Let our church bodies be strongholds of righteousness that believers can run to and find sanctuary. Let them find exhortation and not fornication.

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[1] Matthew 5:23

Chapter 9, Part 17

Fellowship With Believers

“Now therefore you are no longer strangers and
foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints and
members of the household of God having been
built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets,
Jesus Christ being the cornerstone.”
Ephesians 2:19,20

One of the best tricks the enemy uses against us is to isolate us from one another. To surround us with people who are not obeying the will of God. Their presence and encouragement makes it seem okay for us to follow our lustful impulses unchecked. It is like we are sheep and the enemy comes and attempts to separate us from the herd, because it is easier to pick us off one by one than in a group. The goal of the enemy is to divide us and then conquer us. There are countless numbers of us who say, “I am following the Lord in my own way and I do not need anyone else to believe”. Or why should I go be around all those “fake Christians” and hypocrites, giving my money to that preacher to buy a new car. The enemy knows there is strength in numbers. No one attacks an opponent that is numerically stronger unless they can separate them. Our Lord demonstrated this concept by using the parable of a king going to war but counts the number of troops on the other side. If the enemy has are more than his, then he makes peace with them.[1]

We all need fellowship and encouragement. This world is against us because we are followers of the Christ. If the enemy can not take us for himself, he wants to make us useless to God through sinfulness. Our witness is compromised by our being bound to sin. We must recognize that we cannot overcome sin of our own power. Our example Jesus, when tempted immediately relied on the Word of God.[2] The enemy wants us alone. Do not fall for this trick. Our Lord is married to the Church we all are the Church, not some building or cathedral. Even Christ continued to go to the synagogue and temple with its hypocrites and thieves. The kingdom of God is not a country, it is people, people who follow His Words and commands from all over the world. Surround yourself with these people and your desire to sin will diminish. Will these people be perfect? Absolutely not! But they just like you are at least seeking the truth and the will of God. You will be surprised how temptation lessens as you remove yourself from those worldly people and influences that you currently surround yourself with.

God has forced us to be with one another by giving each one of us only a piece of the truth. No one person has all the truth, could you imagine one human with that much power. We have come together each of us with our piece of the truth and when we put them together we have a better understanding of the truth and the true nature of God. We all need each other, it was designed that way by God.

“For by one Spirit we were all baptized into one
body-whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves
or free-and all have been made to drink into
one spirit. For in fact the body is not one
member but many.”
1 Corinthians 12:13,14

Though we are many, we are still one. We are made one by the Spirit. It does not matter where we come from, where we live, or how much we make in the eyes of God we are the same. It does not matter how we got here just that we are all here together now. We should stop concentrating on our differences and concentrate on our similarities. I guarantee you that we have more in common than we have different. It is alarming how we as a people are starting to discriminate against each other. Is there not enough strife in this world without us turning on one another? Instead of turning on each other we should be lifting each other up in prayer and in deed. Our survival depends on one another, do not let the enemy succeed in dividing us. He has already been successful in dividing us by nation, race, and denomination. The scripture says we are one body through the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Let us live as one body. We will never be able to stem this epidemic of fornication and sexual sin without each others help. We need to be not only one body, but one mind. We need the mind to stop our selfish sinful ways. That mind can only come from Christ.

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[1] Luke 16:31,32

[2] Matthew